1
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:49,675
On display this evening, a pastiche
of painting from oddball-land.

2
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:53,554
The poet Sir Max Beerbohm reflected
that no one ever died of laughter.

3
00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:56,431
Object of brush and palette:
The rebuttal.

4
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:59,726
The clown is Jackie Slater.
His occupation, a comedian.

5
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:03,730
His aspiration is to collect funny bones
and hang them on the walls of his life...

6
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:06,275
to hide the cracked plaster
and yellowed wallpaper...

7
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,778
that is part of the interior
decoration of failure.

8
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:14,449
Poor Jackie Slater: A bad joke told in
a foreign language in an empty hall.

9
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:16,451
The comic unable
to coax laughter.

10
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,829
The painting is called
Make Me Laugh.

11
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,915
And this lightless limbo
is called the Night Gallery.

12
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,308
Hi, folks. I wanna tell
you you're a wonderful

13
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,226
audience to work for. I get
a lot of love out of you.

14
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,396
That's what I dig about you. Hey, one
of the troops. Good to see you, marine.

15
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,815
I tell you, man, supporting
the country, it's beautiful.

16
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,484
I did one of those veterans hospitals
shows, you know, to help the boys.

17
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,612
Got hit with a crutch.

18
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,948
Hey, uh, folks, uh,

19
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,868
do you wanna hear the one about the
astronaut who got stuck up in space?

20
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,828
He says, "How long am I
gonna be up here?" 'Cause he

21
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,872
called mission control. They
said, "A millennium or so."

22
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,875
He says, "Where am I gonna stay?" He says,
"There's a hotel." He goes to the hotel.

23
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,585
The guy says, "How long will you need the
room?"

24
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,211
And he says, "Oh, about a millennium."

25
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,088
The guy says, "That'll cost
you eight cents." He says,

26
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,923
"Eight cents for a millennium?
I'm a little hungry."

27
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,800
He says, "I'm gonna have a sandwich."

28
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,594
Then the guy says, "Okay,
that'll cost you $800."

29
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:20,015
He says, "Eight cents for a room for
a millennium and $800 for a sandwich?"

30
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:23,101
He says, "Yeah, in this hotel,
we get you by the sandwich."

31
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,648
Uh, do you know how
to make a venetian blind?

32
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,192
Poke your finger in his eye.

33
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,654
My wife went to the West indies.

34
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:36,365
Jamaica?
She went of her own accord.

35
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:40,994
Hey, how do you like this suit, huh?
Sort of a chopped liver gray, huh?

36
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:42,996
The wife, uh...
Well, it's a nice fit, you know.

37
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,624
But the wife says it looks
more like a convulsion, huh?

38
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,419
Hey, uh, folks, uh, you
know, I was standing out

39
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,630
in front of the Plaza Hotel
talking to my friends.

40
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,341
Uh, matter of fact,
that's where I was living...

41
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,760
In front of the Plaza Hotel.
Yeah.

42
00:02:56,843 --> 00:03:00,347
Well, I know you're out there, folks.
Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. And I'm up here, folks.

43
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,224
Of course, if the lighting
is bad in here and

44
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,059
you can't find me, just
listen for the sound.

45
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,524
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
I want to present to you...

46
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,901
four of the loveliest
girls you've ever seen

47
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,195
in your life, The Rocky
Mountain Rockettes.

48
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,156
Yeah!

49
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:24,788
♪♪

50
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,466
How did it go, booby?

51
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:42,055
Not so bad for a first shot.

52
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:45,434
I'm gonna rework it a little
before the next show.

53
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,196
So say it!

54
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,283
Say what?
What do you wanna hear?

55
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,667
It would have been nice to hear you out
there,

56
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,669
pushing a couple of yocks over for me.

57
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,799
Beating your hands together
a couple of times.

58
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,179
I'm playing Forest Lawn.

59
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,431
I got the only agent who makes it
like it's a federal act...

60
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,058
that says he's got to
be horizontal after sunset.

61
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,937
Hmm. Didn't go over
so good, huh, booby?

62
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:34,232
The only tomb
with a stage in it.

63
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,651
That's the only stage
with a corpse on it.

64
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:39,070
He warms up slow, Mr. Mishkin.

65
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,240
It's 102 out there. The stiff
couldn't warm up in a boiler room.

66
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:45,118
Tough audience, Mr. Mishkin.
You'll give me that, won't you?

67
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,164
Tell you what I'll give you, papers
to walk. Do the next show, then cut.

68
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,708
But you said three weekends.

69
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,252
That was before I heard him.

70
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,005
Look. You are his agent.
Isn't that the idea?

71
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,132
Sixteen years, Mr. Mishkin.

72
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,135
Then book him
in the Air Force Museum.

73
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,889
This guy doesn't tell jokes.
He goes on bombing missions.

74
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,476
Hey, you can't ace me out
after one lousy show, Mr. Mishkin.

75
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,397
I can't? Read your contract.

76
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:18,610
Gimme a break.
What do you got to lose?

77
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,780
I mean, an act's gotta build. I mean,
a couple of weeks for the word of mouth.

78
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,449
Tell him, Julie.
Tell him, Julie.

79
00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:27,828
Tell him about that gig in Buffalo.
Six weeks held over!

80
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:31,331
Capacity audience
in a tough room!

81
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:34,835
I mean, when I start
to grow, man, I zoom.

82
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,796
<i>I can fill the Hollywood Bowl.</i>

83
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,591
Unasked, the following opinion:

84
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:45,011
You couldn't fill a men's room
with free shoe shines.

85
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,043
Wanna know something?

86
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,091
I was a fat...

87
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,095
ugly little kid.

88
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:32,100
And when I used to
go to boy's camp...

89
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:37,480
all the kids used to...

90
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,482
push me off the dock.

91
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:45,780
And everybody used to laugh.

92
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,744
So I decided that's
what I'd do with my life.

93
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,999
I'd make people laugh.

94
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,802
You made some people
laugh, booby.

95
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:15,185
Jules,

96
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,104
my loyal,

97
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:22,817
steadfast friend
and artist's representative.

98
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:28,031
I'm a second-rate schlep
going nowhere.

99
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:34,955
Sixteen years we scratched
each other's backs.

100
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:39,626
I was still digging around
in garbage dumps for one-nighters.

101
00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:43,046
Well, what does he know?

102
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,383
I-I mean, can you picture
that creep laughing at anything, huh?

103
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,849
I got a funny bit.

104
00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:03,191
Now that's funny,
me thinking I'm funny.

105
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,861
That's funny.

106
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:12,659
I wish I could make
somebody laugh.

107
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,578
<i>I'd give up everything I got.</i>

108
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,373
Everything I got...

109
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:24,921
just to make somebody laugh.

110
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:29,050
Hey, barkeep, doesn't this thing
ever pay off?

111
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,062
- Jackie Slater?
- Hmm?

112
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,399
<i>Your agent called, Jackie.</i>

113
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:48,570
Loyal, steadfast and true.

114
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:53,867
Bankrupt, dispossessed and on his way to
Philadelphia with a steel guitar band.

115
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,994
Without me?

116
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,079
I gather you didn't kill them
in Perth Amboy.

117
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,041
They were dead already
in Perth Amboy.

118
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,794
I give you Perth Amboy.

119
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,547
I give you Michigan's Palladium.

120
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,884
Six tables with a pallbearer
at each one of them.

121
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,318
We have not met, yefendi.

122
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,614
Chatterje is the name.
Miracles by profession.

123
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,243
Miracles. Miracles.

124
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,123
That's just what I need,
Mr. Chatterje.

125
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:47,754
You are now face-to-face
with Mr. Unlucky.

126
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,840
Forgiveness, Mr. Slater,
but compared to me,

127
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,468
you are the winner
of the Irish Sweepstakes.

128
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:57,305
You are the owner
of the 1969 New York Mets.

129
00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:01,810
And on the day they repealed prohibition,
you are the Little Old Winemaker.

130
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:06,022
Your indulgence, Mr. Chatterje,
but I am a-a ship maker in the desert.

131
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,775
I am a diamond cutter
with the palsy.

132
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:12,237
I am an opera singer
with laryngitis.

133
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:17,659
Reflect if you will, Mr. Slater, on this
undersized guru who sits beside you;

134
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,036
This child of adversity.

135
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,498
They booked me in a Democratic
dinner in New Rochelle.

136
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:26,626
They wanted to replace me
with William F. Buckley.

137
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,337
180,000 guys roaming the streets,
looking for a bar.

138
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,464
And what do I get?
The formaldehyde twins.

139
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,342
Now for laughs, why don't you two guys
go out in the park and get mugged, huh?

140
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:39,347
Preferable. Decidedly preferable
to what is in store for me----

141
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,474
death, certainly
before dishonor.

142
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:45,228
You, Mr. Slater, are yet a young
man with much ahead of you.

143
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,314
It need not always
be Perth Amboy.

144
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:51,484
You could yet make it
on The Andy Williams Show.

145
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:56,656
I, on the other hand, am fingering
the tassels at the far end of my rope.

146
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,617
By midnight tonight,
if I do not perform a miracle,

147
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,997
I am relieved of my powers
and I have dishonored my ancestors.

148
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:06,166
So work a miracle.
Who's stopping you?

149
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,627
There is no willing recipient.

150
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:14,257
No soul trusting enough to allow this
poor guru to conjure up a blessing.

151
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,260
I am without hope.

152
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:20,763
I am a dispossessed soul,
tiptoeing in agony...

153
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,516
across the wasteland
of my shattered dreams.

154
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:28,563
Wait a minute.
What's with this miracle bit?

155
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,608
Ah, you are now diddling
with the essence, yefendi.

156
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,612
Every miracle-working guru must
work a wonder at least once a month.

157
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:39,324
I am in arrears, hence disaster.

158
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,326
What kind of miracle?

159
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,328
Name it.

160
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,081
Could you get me
on The Dean Martin Show?

161
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,500
You should only ask.

162
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,879
Could you get me four weeks
at The Sands in Las Vegas?

163
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,881
With options.

164
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,550
Could... Could you... Could you...

165
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,761
Speak, yefendi, speak!

166
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,725
Could you fix it
so I can make people laugh?

167
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,312
Hysterically. Uncontrollably.

168
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,065
Beyond your wildest dreams.

169
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,234
So do it.

170
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,571
Do it? Make a miracle.

171
00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:21,574
Th-This moment?

172
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,744
You got until midnight to make
a miracle, so... so be my guest.

173
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,705
I-It shall be done, but...

174
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:30,667
But what? But what?
The payoff, huh? Huh?

175
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,169
What? The small print, huh?

176
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,714
Candor dictates certain
prior admissions, Mr. Slater.

177
00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:40,969
Before a miracle is wrought, it is
necessary that I leave no truth unspoken.

178
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:46,432
This is a cardinal rule amongst the
Order of Working Miracle-making Gurus.

179
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:49,894
In the hierarchy of my art,
how shall I say,

180
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,313
I am something
less than proficient.

181
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:57,986
That is to say I am given to small
imperfections in the miracles wrought.

182
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,905
Which is why! Find myself
at this 11th hour...

183
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:04,826
so precariously in the proximity
of the proverbial creek.

184
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,828
What imperfections?

185
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:11,457
Insignificant imperfections.
Small, itsy-bitsy.

186
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,501
But it is necessary that I
acquaint you with the fact

187
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:14,836
that in the circle of my peers...

188
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,505
I am known as... as a klutz.

189
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:23,094
So I'm obliged to tell you of
certain miracles wrought by me...

190
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,596
where small ironies intruded,

191
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,142
and the results were,
how shall I say, unfortunate.

192
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:32,061
I don't care.

193
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:36,274
There was a wrestler in Vero Beach,
Florida, who wanted to visit Tibet.

194
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:41,279
That was his dream. He awoke to find
himself stranded atop Mount Everest,

195
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,032
in the midst
of an unmerciful blizzard.

196
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,367
They finally had to fetch him down
with a pair of ice tongs.

197
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,329
I wanna make people laugh!

198
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:51,789
I have in mind
another ill-starred venture,

199
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:55,793
having to do with a retired
schoolteacher in Spokane, Washington.

200
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:59,881
A Civil War buff. A passionate
admirer of the Great Emancipator.

201
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:04,469
Wanted only one thing:
To be in Lincoln's shoes.

202
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:08,222
Wound up in an insane asylum,
claiming he was a woolen sock.

203
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:12,727
Had to be restrained from sticking
darning needles into his head.

204
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,188
Am I getting through
to you, Mr. Slater?

205
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:18,399
There are miracles,
and there are risks.

206
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:22,403
But I don't care. I'll take the risks.
Just do it!

207
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:30,787
<i>It is done. It is done! Done!</i>

208
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,039
What? Done.

209
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:36,459
- What? Wh-What's done?
- "What's done?"

210
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,420
What did you say?
Did you say, "What's done?"

211
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:43,216
What's done?
What's done? What's done?

212
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,094
What's done?

213
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,141
I can't believe
you said "What's done?"

214
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,436
Oh, I can't believe it.
He said, "What's done?"

215
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,108
Come here. Come here.
This guy has got the

216
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,151
greatest routine. Say it again.
"What's done?"

217
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:05,863
What's done? Come here.

218
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,741
Do it. Do it. Give it to them.
What's done?

219
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,668
What's done?

220
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,720
Hey, guru,

221
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,640
you done it.

222
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:35,435
You made a miracle.

223
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:41,816
Yes, yefendi.
I'm afraid you're right.

224
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,629
You know how to make a venetian blind?
Poke your finger in his eye.

225
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,096
♪♪

226
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,355
Hi, booby.

227
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:26,319
Aw, you killed 'em. You were fantastic.
I was listening.

228
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,946
I mean, all you had to do
was to open up your mouth.

229
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,365
Yeah.

230
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,618
I was, uh,

231
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,037
I was really proud
of you, Jackie.

232
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:41,417
You should be.
I done it all myself.

233
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:48,633
I thought steel guitar bands
was your current thing.

234
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:52,762
Was, is right.
They rusted out on me.

235
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:56,724
I got'em a fair date in Columbus,
Ohio, and they got booed off the stage.

236
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:02,063
I had no choice, Jackie. I had to
take on somebody else or starve.

237
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,734
Forget it. I understand.

238
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:11,364
What I don't understand though...

239
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:14,408
is how come
I'm not getting any kicks.

240
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,410
What do you mean?

241
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,621
I mean I'm boffo wherever I am.

242
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:23,417
I mean, every time I open up my
mouth, everything I say, they scream.

243
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:27,213
I mean, I tell old jokes, Julie. I don't
mean just old, I mean with cobwebs on them.

244
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,590
I mean antiques,
and they roll all over the floor.

245
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,717
Well, that's great.

246
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,928
It should be great.

247
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,558
But it isn't. It's... dull.

248
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:41,394
But isn't that what you wanted,
to make people laugh?

249
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,771
<i>Well, isn't that
what you're doing?</i>

250
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:48,901
Look. I-I read the Variety reviews about
the bit you did on the Skelton show,

251
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,903
and they said
you broke up the joint.

252
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:56,242
I broke up the joint.
You wanna know what I did?

253
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:03,416
I put on my hat,
walked on-camera.

254
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:06,043
I took off my hat.

255
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,255
They screamed all over the place.

256
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:13,968
I finished my routine. I put back
on my hat. I walked off. That's it.

257
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:19,098
Big deal. I took off my hat.

258
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,143
It's a wonder Skelton didn't fire
his writers right on the spot.

259
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,771
I mean, he's the guy who works months
to work on a little piece of business...

260
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,441
in a hope that it'll pay off
in a couple of chuckles.

261
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:33,988
And I walk on, take off
my hat, and they scream.

262
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,991
I mean, I haven't heard such laughs
since they pushed me off the dock.

263
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:41,078
- So?
- Jules.

264
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:47,043
Don't you understand? I'm bored.

265
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:54,091
I used to have to work for it.
No, fight for it.

266
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,595
And now it's all...

267
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,557
<i>Dullsville, USA.</i>

268
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,393
What do you want?

269
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,063
I mean, you all the time
wanted to make people laugh.

270
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,483
Well, look. Now it's happening.

271
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,902
I mean, what else is there?

272
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,613
A comic wants to get laughs.

273
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:20,117
There's gotta be something more.
There's gotta be more to it than that.

274
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:22,119
Anybody can get laughs.

275
00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:26,207
A dum-dum takes a pratfall.
A fat kid gets pushed off the dock.

276
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:30,002
Hardy-har-har. Big deal!

277
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,339
Look at this, man. I got... I got a
telegram. Look at these telegrams.

278
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:38,678
I got... I got offers.
I got deals. I got guarantees.

279
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:43,099
But to be what? A rum-dum
baggy pants schnook. Look here.

280
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,184
♪♪

281
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:49,980
Look at this.

282
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,154
Well, who's David Garrick?

283
00:19:57,238 --> 00:20:01,951
Julie, get outta the tent shows.
Forget the carnivals.

284
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:05,955
You wanna manage donnickers and
ragbag operators all your life?

285
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,916
This is legit. This is Broadway.

286
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,128
"We'd like to discuss
with you the possibility

287
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,171
of your playing a
straight dramatic role...

288
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,632
in play I have under option."

289
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:21,387
Julie, you dig it?
A straight dramatic role.

290
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,764
Jackie Slater, an actor.

291
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:26,892
Now look, booby.
You never did no acting.

292
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:29,895
You were never a straight man.
You are a comic.

293
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:33,023
Was a comic. Was a clown.

294
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:36,360
Was a dolt, was a dunce,
was a klutz.

295
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:40,072
No more, understand?
An actor... Jackie Slater.

296
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:42,199
No, make that Jack Slater.

297
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,327
No, John Slater.

298
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,914
No... Jonathan Slater.

299
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:54,879
For the best actor
in a starring role...

300
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,881
The envelope, please.

301
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:01,343
The winner...

302
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,683
Jonathan Slater.

303
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:11,228
All right, Mr. Slater.
I'd like your reading now.

304
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:14,064
Page one. Of act two.
From the top.

305
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:17,485
<i>Oh. Now just keep in mind
that you're a circus clown.</i>

306
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,695
You've just discovered that
your wife has left you.

307
00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:21,405
In fact, you've just read the note.

308
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:24,867
And at this moment, there isn't a single
thing in the world that you wanna live for.

309
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,869
Yeah, I got it. I got it. Right.

310
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,831
Oh, uh, Miss Wilson. Would you
read the girl acrobat, please?

311
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:45,763
What's the matter, Bimbo?
You look odd.

312
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:49,725
Sure, odd. I'm a clown.

313
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,895
A clown's supposed to look odd.

314
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,856
A funny thing happened to me
on the way to the big top.

315
00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:59,485
My life just got dissolved.

316
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:07,243
Clown isn't supposed to cry!

317
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:11,038
He's supposed to laugh.

318
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,423
But the smiles...

319
00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:23,425
are just painted on.

320
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:37,773
I-I'm sorry, Mr. Garrick,
but the guy's a comic.

321
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,568
No matter what he reads,
it comes out like a gag.

322
00:22:40,651 --> 00:22:44,488
I thought he had what we needed.
Something... Something in his face.

323
00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,993
Face, gestures, everything.
He's strictly for laughs.

324
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,036
Look at him.

325
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:53,581
Just look at him.

326
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:58,043
Okay, I made a mistake. Shake his hand, pat
him on the back and get him out of here.

327
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:08,053
You wanna know what you are?

328
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:11,473
You're a bunch of dirty, rotten,
insensitive people.

329
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:13,893
That's what you are.

330
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:17,605
You're the kind... the kind
who pushed me off the dock.

331
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:20,482
"Pushed him off the dock."

332
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:17,831
As must be obvious, yefendi,
miracles are not without risks.

333
00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:20,668
Unforeseen little addenda.

334
00:24:20,751 --> 00:24:22,753
"Unforeseen little addenda"?

335
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,964
Thanks to you, I can't
say "How are you? Good

336
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,091
morning. A glass of
orange juice, please"...

337
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,802
without people breaking up
in screaming convulsions.

338
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:31,804
It was as you wished, yefendi.

339
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:34,348
Well, I don't wish it anymore.
Understand?

340
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:38,852
I want you to fix it so that I never
have anybody laugh at me again.

341
00:24:38,936 --> 00:24:41,814
Yefendi, there is
an unwritten law:

342
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:43,857
One miracle to a customer.

343
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:47,987
I don't care, you second-rate swami.
I want another miracle.

344
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:53,033
I want you to fix it
so that I can touch people, move them.

345
00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:55,953
Make 'em cry, not laugh.

346
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:58,747
You get that?
And I want it done now.

347
00:24:58,831 --> 00:25:00,791
Because if you don't,
what's left of you...

348
00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:03,502
will be able to be stuffed
in that moth-eaten turban

349
00:25:03,544 --> 00:25:05,546
and dumped in a doggie bag.

350
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,469
It is done.

351
00:25:12,553 --> 00:25:14,596
"Done." Done.

352
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,600
You'll never again be laughed at, yefendi.
Never ever.

353
00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:23,689
Well, we'll just see.
We'll just see.

354
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,780
Hey, lady' Hey! Hey, lady'

355
00:25:31,864 --> 00:25:35,617
Hey, lady, did you hear the one
about the two Arabs...

356
00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:38,078
who met on a streetcar,
while the first one...

357
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,586
<i>Now try to keep calm. I just told
you, we've already called the police.</i>

358
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,338
They're on their way here now.

359
00:25:48,422 --> 00:25:51,341
♪♪

360
00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:15,991
I wonder if I'll ever
get the hang of this.

361
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:35,260
Our second painting this evening has
to do with the stalker and the victim.

362
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:37,262
The hunter and the hunted.

363
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,973
That rare breed of Homo
sapien whose love of

364
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,893
butchery is not a sport
but a consuming passion.

365
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:46,897
Offered to you now,
Clean Kills and Other Trophies.

366
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:17,136
I call this my trophy room,
Mr. Pierce.

367
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:21,765
Oh, I'll take care of that, Tom.
Very good, sir.

368
00:27:21,849 --> 00:27:24,268
Tom here's an Ibo.

369
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:26,645
He's the son of a tribal chief.

370
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:28,814
He's a highly educated
young man.

371
00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:31,483
His father sent him
to school in England.

372
00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:34,361
Will that be all, sir? That'll be all.
Thank you, Tom.

373
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,363
Excuse me, gentlemen.

374
00:27:39,533 --> 00:27:41,827
Quite a specimen, isn't he?

375
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:44,246
Specimen?

376
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:47,082
He's an African, Mr. Pierce.
Don't be misled

377
00:27:47,082 --> 00:27:49,918
by the Oxford accent or
the tailored clothes.

378
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,338
For all the outward accoutrements
of civilization,

379
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:55,340
he's never left the jungle.

380
00:27:55,382 --> 00:28:00,971
He still carries amulets
and fervently believes in black magic.

381
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:04,391
A pagan savage, Mr. Pierce,
like all his breed.

382
00:28:04,433 --> 00:28:08,478
About the trust fund, Colonel.
I'll only require your signature.

383
00:28:08,562 --> 00:28:13,609
I've made all the arrangements for
the money to go to the beneficiary.

384
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,903
Plenty of time, Mr. Pierce.

385
00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:19,031
Plenty of time
for Archie's inheritance.

386
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:24,786
Do you know anything of
hunting, Mr. Pierce? Or guns?

387
00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:26,872
I'm afraid not, sir.

388
00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:31,251
- That's your hobby, my father said.
- Hobby?

389
00:28:31,293 --> 00:28:33,337
Hardly a hobby.

390
00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,672
It's what I do with my life.

391
00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:38,967
I don't think there's any game
in the world that I haven't stalked.

392
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:41,220
Stalked and killed.

393
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:48,352
This, uh, baby here
is a... a Thompson gazelle.

394
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:50,354
I got him in the Nyeri Forest.

395
00:28:50,437 --> 00:28:53,315
Those horns are
16 and three-quarter inches long.

396
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:56,944
It's mentioned
in Ward's Records of Big Game.

397
00:28:58,195 --> 00:29:01,782
I understand you just
graduated college, Arch.

398
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:04,785
Yes, his sole,
remarkable achievement to date.

399
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:08,914
That is, if you don't give points
for excessive brandy consumption.

400
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:13,126
<i>This might interest you, Pierce.</i>

401
00:29:13,210 --> 00:29:16,546
That chap gave me big trouble.

402
00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:19,675
I got him on a rainy night.
Lions are temperamental beasts.

403
00:29:19,716 --> 00:29:21,802
They're subject to moods.

404
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:24,763
Rainy weather
makes them nervous.

405
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:27,599
But darkness stimulates them.

406
00:29:27,641 --> 00:29:32,104
They hunt at night,
and I hunted him at night.

407
00:29:32,187 --> 00:29:35,983
One other trouble about lions
is that they can see in the dark.

408
00:29:36,066 --> 00:29:39,236
So, for openers,
he had all the advantage...

409
00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:42,114
Rain, night...

410
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,157
and his uncanny sense of smell.

411
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:48,537
All the advantages, Colonel,
except a gun.

412
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:53,083
A lion on a charge can run
40 miles an hour, Pierce.

413
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:55,377
If you haven't got a gun
or a marksman's eye,

414
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:57,963
he can spread you
over the map of Africa.

415
00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:02,509
Do you hunt, Arch?

416
00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:04,511
Archie hunt?

417
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,139
Does that look like
a hunter, Pierce?

418
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:11,518
Can you picture that dish of jellied
consommé squaring off to a wild animal?

419
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:17,316
No, Archie does little
but occupy space.

420
00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:21,028
Hunting requires traits of
character that he fails to possess.

421
00:30:21,111 --> 00:30:24,323
Not the least being guts.

422
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:27,159
But not everyone
goes in for hunting, Colonel.

423
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,161
I am not concerned
with everyone.

424
00:30:29,202 --> 00:30:31,747
I'm concerned with that pallid
handwringer over there,

425
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:36,585
who would take his inheritance and
give it to one of his myriad causes...

426
00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:38,795
Senegalese unwed mothers,

427
00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:41,465
pickaninny's free lunch program.

428
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:44,718
Or perhaps something
dearer to his heart and character...

429
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:47,971
The Women's Liberation Movement.

430
00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:52,059
My father would prefer
that I do a little random killing.

431
00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:56,063
Why not? Man has been
killing for a million years.

432
00:30:56,104 --> 00:30:58,440
And man is not
the only animal in the jungle.

433
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,484
If we don't kill others,
they'll kill us.

434
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:03,236
That's the equation of survival.

435
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,073
What if you both survive?
Do you hear that, Archie?

436
00:31:06,156 --> 00:31:08,533
You have a colleague,
a kindred soul.

437
00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:13,205
And do you think that is wrong
to kill something like that?

438
00:31:13,288 --> 00:31:15,248
If it's done unnecessarily.

439
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:18,043
"If it's done unnecessarily."

440
00:31:18,085 --> 00:31:23,048
So the criterion of cruelty
is not the act but the motive.

441
00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:30,263
There is a certain tribe in Africa
called the Masai, Pierce.

442
00:31:33,433 --> 00:31:35,394
Every now and then,

443
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:38,772
they pick out some of
their less active senior citizens...

444
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:43,568
and put them out in the bush
so the hyenas can eat them alive.

445
00:31:43,652 --> 00:31:48,407
Didn't Adam Smith have some theory
about overpopulation?

446
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:50,492
The painted savages
don't need fancy economists...

447
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:54,454
to tell them how to
keep the population down.

448
00:31:54,538 --> 00:31:58,458
They act upon instinct.
The instinct of survival.

449
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:01,711
I suppose you would
call that cruel, would you?

450
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:06,091
I'd call it savage, uncivilized.

451
00:32:06,133 --> 00:32:09,845
But at least it's death
with some purpose.

452
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:12,431
I kill with a purpose.

453
00:32:12,472 --> 00:32:16,977
And my purpose is to prove
that I am superior to what I kill.

454
00:32:20,105 --> 00:32:22,023
Archie?

455
00:32:22,107 --> 00:32:24,276
A point of information.

456
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,616
Mr. Pierce has a briefcase with
some papers in it for me to sign.

457
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:34,578
There's a couple of million dollars
worth of securities,

458
00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:37,956
stocks and bonds
waiting for you.

459
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,626
Are you aware of that?
I'm quite aware of that.

460
00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:44,963
Oh, he's quite aware of that.

461
00:32:45,046 --> 00:32:47,466
And are you aware
that you will be a millionaire...

462
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:50,010
in a few weeks? Yes.

463
00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:54,014
And are you aware
that it only requires my signature?

464
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:56,016
I'll, uh, just get my briefcase.

465
00:32:56,099 --> 00:32:59,728
That will not be necessary.
I know the contents of that briefcase.

466
00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:02,481
I know the nature
of those securities...

467
00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:06,234
Their number, their names,
their current values.

468
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:08,653
I want to make a codicil.

469
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,323
A codicil? Correct.

470
00:33:18,205 --> 00:33:23,668
If within 15 days, my son
has not killed himself an animal,

471
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:26,838
I wish to dissolve the trust.

472
00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:30,842
Are you aware of the condition
I have just imposed?

473
00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:35,347
I wish you to kill an animal...
by yourself.

474
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,266
With a gun.

475
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,519
Exhibit "A," Mr. Pierce.

476
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,730
The illustrious heir
having just been given due notice...

477
00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:48,568
that his father has arbitrarily
diddled him of what is his,

478
00:33:48,652 --> 00:33:51,905
does nothing
but stand there and suffer.

479
00:33:51,988 --> 00:33:53,907
Colonel...

480
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:58,620
By rights, he should by now have
been rifle-butting me into oblivion.

481
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:02,582
But that is not Archie's breed.
He has no aptitude for violence.

482
00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:05,293
He's been taken on trips
through the jungle,

483
00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:07,879
to hunting preserves,
the African velt...

484
00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:12,884
Places which most boys
would welcome as high adventure.

485
00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:16,555
But whenever a gun was fired,
I found him cowering under a bush.

486
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:19,849
Sir, none of this
is my business.

487
00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:22,561
I'm here for a specific reason,

488
00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:24,729
to handle the reversion
of the trust fund.

489
00:34:24,771 --> 00:34:26,898
That's all I'm supposed to do.

490
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:29,150
As to any disagreement
you may have with your son...

491
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:32,320
As to any disagreement
between me and my son,

492
00:34:32,404 --> 00:34:34,739
that is very much your
business, Mr. Pierce,

493
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,741
because it relates to the trust.

494
00:34:37,242 --> 00:34:39,828
I am not going to hand
a gravy bowl over to

495
00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,664
this simpering vegetable
who has dishonored me.

496
00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:45,500
I'm afraid you don't have
any choice in that matter.

497
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:47,669
I could refuse to sign.

498
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:50,589
That would be most unwise, sir.

499
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:53,258
You've been paying
fiduciary taxes on...

500
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:55,802
Don't give me
that fiduciary nonsense.

501
00:34:55,844 --> 00:34:58,430
- What could he do to me?
- He could sue you.

502
00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,765
Sue me?

503
00:35:00,849 --> 00:35:04,394
This vegetable get a battery
of lawyers and sue me?

504
00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:08,273
He could start proceedings in
the morning in a court of law.

505
00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,651
That would be my advice to him.

506
00:35:11,693 --> 00:35:16,531
And my advice to you, Mr. Pierce,
is to go to bed and get some sleep.

507
00:35:16,615 --> 00:35:21,786
Because tomorrow,
Archie and I are hunting deer.

508
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:25,415
And my son is going
to fire a gun...

509
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,918
for the first time
in his miserable life.

510
00:35:29,002 --> 00:35:31,087
Because if he doesn't,

511
00:35:31,171 --> 00:35:34,924
I'll take every security
in that trust fund...

512
00:35:35,008 --> 00:35:39,554
and I will drivel it away
on every high-risk venture...

513
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:43,183
that I can find
in either market.

514
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:48,563
By Wednesday morning, I will turn that
two million dollars into wastepaper.

515
00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:02,869
Father! Is it really
so incomprehensible to you...

516
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,372
that I can't kill anything?

517
00:36:06,456 --> 00:36:08,416
How about an animal?

518
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:11,670
Come on. M-Maybe a child.

519
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:14,756
How about any living thing?

520
00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:19,386
You answer me!

521
00:36:20,470 --> 00:36:23,682
It is incomprehensible to me
that I have managed to sire...

522
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:26,726
mauling, sniveling,
self-indulgent milksop,

523
00:36:26,768 --> 00:36:31,147
who is unable to grasp
the most elementary fact of life:

524
00:36:31,231 --> 00:36:35,360
The whole world
is a bloody hunting jungle.

525
00:36:35,402 --> 00:36:39,406
You stalk with the hunter,
or you run with the quarry.

526
00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:43,159
You have no other choice.
The beasts have no choice.

527
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:47,038
Only man.
That is why he is superior.

528
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:51,960
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not superior, j-just deadlier.

529
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,587
You take away his gun,
and he's a beast.

530
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:59,801
You are currently
in possession of a gun, Archie,

531
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:04,889
a bolt-action .458, which could make
a hole in me the size of two fists.

532
00:37:04,973 --> 00:37:06,891
What are you waiting for?

533
00:37:08,810 --> 00:37:10,937
Nothing.

534
00:37:16,109 --> 00:37:19,154
Send him off to bed, Tom.

535
00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:21,156
Leave the door open
and a light in the hall.

536
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,575
I imagine darkness
frightens him too.

537
00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:34,419
Archie, listen to me.

538
00:37:34,461 --> 00:37:36,504
You don't have to kill a deer...

539
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:40,550
or swat a fly or step on an
ant if you don't want to.

540
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:42,552
You don't have to do anything.

541
00:37:42,594 --> 00:37:45,513
All you have to do
is sign your name.

542
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:48,308
Naturally, since we represent your
father, we couldn't take the case,

543
00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:53,229
but I'll send you
to a first-rate law firm.

544
00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:55,398
By tomorrow lunchtime,

545
00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:58,109
they can get a court order
impounding the trust.

546
00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,111
Do you think he's different?

547
00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:04,949
Do you think
he's a special case?

548
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,120
Mm-mm.

549
00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:12,665
He's 20th-century man.

550
00:38:14,167 --> 00:38:18,797
That's his big passion,
to... to commit murder...

551
00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:24,636
under the protection of a...
Of a state-issued hunting license.

552
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:30,266
Why, I know he's a whole lot closer
to the norm than I'll ever be.

553
00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:33,812
And tomorrow...

554
00:38:36,022 --> 00:38:38,775
Tomorrow...

555
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:42,821
I will try to shoot a deer.

556
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:48,034
That's the only choice I've got.

557
00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:50,286
That's the only choice
he's given me.

558
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:57,293
It is not the trust, Mr. Pierce.

559
00:38:57,377 --> 00:39:00,171
It has nothing to do with that.

560
00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:04,300
You know, a moment ago,

561
00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:06,594
I almost killed him.

562
00:39:08,221 --> 00:39:12,141
And I would have,
because it was in my heart.

563
00:39:13,309 --> 00:39:15,270
But Tom...

564
00:39:18,398 --> 00:39:20,316
Well, thank God for Tom.

565
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:26,322
Anyway, better a-a deer
than a... than a patricide.

566
00:39:26,406 --> 00:39:28,908
Wouldn't you say that,
Mr. Pierce?

567
00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:34,831
Judging by your expression,
I guess you wouldn't.

568
00:39:38,084 --> 00:39:43,882
I'm okay now, Tom.
I'm... I'm okay. Good night.

569
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:07,572
Had you never met
Colonel Dittman before?

570
00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:12,702
No. My father's been his lawyer for
years, but I know very little about him.

571
00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:14,704
He has a strange god, Mr. Pierce.

572
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:19,459
He... He worships death,
and then he nails it to the wall.

573
00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:22,962
And yet you came here with him
and you've stayed.

574
00:40:23,004 --> 00:40:26,966
For the boy. That is why I came.

575
00:40:27,008 --> 00:40:30,094
And that is why I stay.

576
00:40:32,221 --> 00:40:34,807
A legacy of 50 years,
Mr. Pierce.

577
00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:38,895
Bullet holes, punctured bodies,
chopped-off heads.

578
00:40:38,978 --> 00:40:42,565
A convocation of victims.

579
00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:46,569
And now he wants to add his son.

580
00:40:47,946 --> 00:40:51,366
Another trophy of the kill.

581
00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:36,327
This rain is a gift, Tom.
Excellent for tomorrow's hunting.

582
00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:41,124
I am speaking to you.

583
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:49,465
Why will you make him
kill tomorrow?

584
00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:52,176
You have had 21 years without it.
Why tomorrow?

585
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:54,262
It's my last chance.

586
00:41:56,097 --> 00:41:59,684
I want to give him his manhood.
Can't you understand that?

587
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:03,062
That is what you will strip him of
if you give him a gun...

588
00:42:05,189 --> 00:42:07,025
and make him use it.

589
00:42:07,108 --> 00:42:10,445
If you had refused to hunt,
what would your father have done?

590
00:42:10,486 --> 00:42:13,865
We hunt for food.

591
00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:16,826
We hunt to stay alive.

592
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:20,872
I was never taught
to kill for pleasure.

593
00:42:20,913 --> 00:42:23,499
The day I can kill
without pleasure,

594
00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:26,210
my son can have
everything I own.

595
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:33,009
If you're praying to your gods, pray
that the rain quits before dawn.

596
00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:36,721
Then the deer will come out
and enjoy the good weather.

597
00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,650
That is not what I pray for.

598
00:42:50,735 --> 00:42:52,862
Keep your eye
on the canyons over there.

599
00:42:52,904 --> 00:42:55,156
The whitetails
don't like the wind.

600
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,533
We'll be out of their scent
up here.

601
00:42:59,035 --> 00:43:02,205
When you see the deer, Archie,
line up the forelegs.

602
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:05,917
Place your shot so as to kill
or anchor him at one.

603
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:10,505
Line up the upright part
of the "T" with the back crossbar.

604
00:43:12,757 --> 00:43:16,010
Aim to break the shoulder
just above the middle of the body.

605
00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:21,516
That way you'll bring
him down quick.

606
00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:27,522
If you aim high,
you'll break his back.

607
00:43:34,570 --> 00:43:37,824
A low shot can hit his heart. But if
you're high and in front, you get the neck.

608
00:43:37,907 --> 00:43:42,495
So make a clean kill, Archie.

609
00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:44,872
Look. He's yours.

610
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:50,837
Take it slowly. Aim carefully.

611
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,257
Just squeeze it off.

612
00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:56,467
Squeeze it, Archie.

613
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:58,803
Squeeze it.

614
00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:01,472
Remember, just above
the middle of the body.

615
00:44:01,556 --> 00:44:04,016
How you lined it up.

616
00:44:04,100 --> 00:44:06,561
What are you waiting for?

617
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:10,523
He's not going to stay there all
day, damn it. Take your shot!

618
00:44:11,607 --> 00:44:15,319
Take your shot, damn it.
Take your shot!

619
00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,201
I told you a clean kill.

620
00:44:22,243 --> 00:44:24,328
Now we've got to
follow his tracks.

621
00:44:24,370 --> 00:44:26,330
We've got to check
the blood marks,

622
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:28,583
find out where you did hit him.

623
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,104
You want to butcher an animal,
I could have ordered one.

624
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:53,733
I could have tied him down and
let you get at him with an ax.

625
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:56,360
<i>It's the same bloody thing.</i>

626
00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,114
I could have predicted it.

627
00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:03,910
We tracked for three and a half hours
because the great white hunter,

628
00:45:03,993 --> 00:45:06,704
sneaking up the stairs,
hit him in the lungs.

629
00:45:06,787 --> 00:45:09,248
But he did get a deer.

630
00:45:09,332 --> 00:45:11,334
In the lungs.

631
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:14,045
When I saw the blood,
I knew we had a long hunt.

632
00:45:14,128 --> 00:45:17,882
He tried. Heaven knows he tried.

633
00:45:17,924 --> 00:45:20,551
That's supposed
to make me proud?

634
00:45:21,594 --> 00:45:23,971
You've got nothing
to be proud of.

635
00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:27,225
Not a damn thing.

636
00:45:48,204 --> 00:45:50,831
Open a window, will you, Tom?

637
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:53,084
<i>It's hot in here.</i>

638
00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:56,254
Much too hot.

639
00:45:56,337 --> 00:45:59,131
My head...

640
00:45:59,173 --> 00:46:01,092
My head is burning up.

641
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:08,307
Didn't you hear me?

642
00:46:08,391 --> 00:46:10,309
Why do you stand there?

643
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:17,775
My head. Something's happening.

644
00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:22,863
My dear God, my head.

645
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:33,666
You're leaving, Mr. Pierce?

646
00:46:33,749 --> 00:46:35,668
Yes.

647
00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:37,837
Look after him, Tom.

648
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:43,342
He shot himself a deer
a few hours ago.

649
00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:47,555
Just remind him
that it was a deer and only that.

650
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:50,474
And make him understand
that he wasn't the executioner.

651
00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:53,144
It was his father.

652
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:58,232
Why, his father
has been punished, Mr. Pierce.

653
00:46:58,316 --> 00:47:00,026
Punished?

654
00:47:00,109 --> 00:47:02,862
Properly and befitting the crime.

655
00:47:03,988 --> 00:47:05,906
Where is he?

656
00:47:05,990 --> 00:47:08,659
The colonel? In there.

657
00:47:11,037 --> 00:47:13,622
Best not go in there,
Mr. Pierce.

658
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:19,670
Why not? Sometimes the punishment
is as ugly as the crime.

659
00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:25,176
Last night I prayed
to my gods, Mr. Pierce.

660
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,888
It was the only thing
left to do.

661
00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:31,432
What did you pray for, Tom?

662
00:47:31,515 --> 00:47:36,896
That the hunter should know
what it is like to be the victim.

663
00:47:54,163 --> 00:47:58,667
Best go now, Mr. Pierce.
Take the boy with you.

664
00:47:58,751 --> 00:48:01,504
How? How could...

665
00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:04,006
There are gods, Mr. Pierce.

666
00:48:04,090 --> 00:48:08,177
Gods of the bush, of the
Congo, of the rain forests.

667
00:48:08,260 --> 00:48:11,138
And with them,
vengeance is an art.

668
00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:21,857
Let's go.
We're getting out of here.

669
00:48:21,941 --> 00:48:24,443
What about my father?

670
00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:28,614
Don't worry about him.
He's in good company.

671
00:49:22,168 --> 00:49:26,005
Now there is a trophy.

672
00:49:32,678 --> 00:49:35,514
The king of the jungle.